Skip to main content

Who you're not

It's always so much easier to list what you're not or the negative then it is the positive. A good faith journey person asked me recently what do I want to do...ummm...silence. I had to sit and stew because all I could do was start the running list of what I don't want to do. Then that's followed by the list of things that I can do and be decent at but it's not what I'm passionate about. And then the brain stops at the thought about what I'd like to do...the good, happy, life giving stuff. So that makes me wonder and ask myself the questions of why don't I know what would make me happy and why don't I do what makes me happy? The first answer I can come up with is that being responsible doesn't always equal being happy. The fact is that I have bills and loans to pay. As much as I wish I didn't have to pay them, I do. I made choices in life to acquire these bills so now I have to pay them. So I do a job that helps me pay my bills but doesn't bring me joy or happiness but in fleeting moments.But that's roughly only 40 to 50 hours a week. About the rest of the 118 hours available to me in the week? Figure 6 to 8 hours of sleep a night (maybe) so that leaves around 70 hours to do what makes me happy and what I enjoy. I have moments when I do. I have glimspes of being able to be happy and at home within myself but it's not daily. It's not often enough to allow me to truly figure out what I enjoy and what brings me happiness. So my work continues to figure out who I am and to stop the focus on who I'm not.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

So I Don't Fit - Litterally

Last night I had dinner at a restaurant I eat at at least twice a month. Usually I'm in a group but I was by myself. It's not often that I have time by myself right now so I welcomed the time to sit and eat food someone else cooked. I sat in the booth by myself and kept to myself. I had a book with me and my palm labyrinth so I was entertained and felt like it would be a productive time to self and with my self. But the comments from the trio of ladies across from me was anything less then pleasant. Now if you don't know me let me be clear, I am a big lady. I believe the clinical definition of my size would be morbidly obese. I am aware that I take up more physical space then I should. I don't fit into every booth in a restaurant. Believe it or not I do own a mirror and do use it even though I don't enjoy it. I am also aware that I am my size by my own doing  and no one else's. I do not expect the world to accommodate me for being this way. If you want me to p...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why the Minister has Fees

  As a minister I have the honor of performing rites and ceremonies for people at a variety of stages of life: baptisms, blessings, marriages, funerals, etc. I usually enjoy planning and leading these events. But lately I've had a rash of folks shocked that as a minister, I would have a fee to do some of these services. So lets talk about why I have fees.   To start with, if you are a member of my congregation you do get my services as a part of my contract with the congregation as long as they are spelled out in the contract. Generally if you're a member of the congregation I serve, it is expected that I will preform baptisms, blessings, funerals, weddings, etc for you because I want to remind you of God's continuous blessing in your life and especially at important moments in your life.   However some folks are shocked that there would be an honorarium suggested for the minister. The reality is that these blessings, weddings, funerals, etc. are extra work in our wee...
Post a Comment
Read more

"And I Scream I'm Not Angry"

There's a Matchbox 20 song called "Angry." Part of the lyrics to the chorus are "and I scream that I'm not angry." It's a good song for when you're angry. But right now there is a burning furnace churning in my core and this song lyric does not fully capture my feelings. Maybe if I was going to sing/scream this in the privacy of my car it would be more along the lines of "and I scream that I'm not angry, I'm pissed as hell!!!" It has been a trying weekend. It is no longer good or healthy for me to be numb. It's time to fight is what comes out over and over again from my core. At the more "nicer" end of my spectrum of anger is just having a good old fashion temper tantrum - kicking, screaming and throwing myself in the floor. At the other end of my spectrum is me wanting to have my own "temple tantrum" similar to the one recorded in the Gospels - Jesus over turning the tables in the temple to make his point. ...
Post a Comment
Read more