The World's Okayest Pastor

Tonight is one of those nights were I find I'm feeling bipolar. I'm attempting to write out plans for my job - a visioning process for a congregation to try to piece together where it sees its future. While my head and heart want to be 100% focused on this, I'm distracted by the thoughts about the vision of my life. While I was into Mary Kay (full disclosure - love the products, still technically a consultant but ugh) they were big on making goal posters - really vision posters. Each year, at least, we were asked to make these posters for what we wanted to achieve and to focus us on the year to come. It could be prizes to earn, vacations, homes, cars, outfits, etc. While there is nothing wrong with vision and goal posters as I reflect on how I feel about the goal/vision poster in my brain it's a mixture of things. There's part of me that feels inadequate because I'm still single, not the mom I hoped to be and not living and being as independent as I wanted to...

Today is the 1 year anniversary to me publishing my blog post “So I Don’t Fit – Literally.” It has been my most read and commented upon blog post. So I thought that it was time to revisit the topic and see if I had learned anything and/or if society had learned. I do not see society as having changed much. I am proud of my colleagues, who have published their own blogs and have taken on the issues of body image and even wrote a letter as a parent that went viral and even was on CNN. The conversation continues in America today about what beauty is and the standards we hold each other too. However, these prophetic voices are not enough to be a strong counter voice to a multi billion-dollar industry. I still am tempted to buy the very magazines that tell me I’m not pretty or fashionable because they have the money to be everywhere. What I do see as a step in the right direction is the willingness of more people to have this conversation about what is beautiful. Physically, since last ye...

Last week, I was a volunteer at Girl Scout Camp. I went so a camper, who has physical conditions, could attend camp and get the medical assistance she needed. What I was looking for was some time away, catch up on some reading, get a little sun and making sure this camper had a good time. What really happened was all of the above and then some. One the second day of camp after getting sun burned, smelling like pool water, sunscreen, sweat and random craft stuff that was on me, a camper came up to me and said "you're pretty." That's it. Simple and to the point. Then she went back to whatever she had been working on. I don't know what led her to come up to someone who was basically a stranger to her and say "you're pretty" but she did. Short, simple and with honesty that only a child can have. It was moving to hear those words. Those two words made my night, made the sunburn more then worth it. They made me feel more loved then I've felt in a l...

My post 2 days ago has been read and shared by several folks to thanks. I got asked a question about my response to the situation so here is why I blogged and why I took my time in posting it. 1- It took me a day to post the blog because I was upset and hurt by the comments made from the women at the other table. Because of that I wanted to take time to think before I blogged. Even when I did blog I still needed time to edit my thoughts. I believe that there is already enough hate and nastiness in the world. I don't want to add to it. Words matter in this world so I took my time in response. 2- I was asked why didn't I say anything to the table of women. I didn't want too is the simplest answer I have. Silence is golden would be the next simple answer. But if I have learned nothing else it is that if someone speaks from a place of hate and ignorance talking to them is seen by the other person has trying to argue with them. Arguments tend to boil down to who is right and...

So yesterday I stopped by a national retailer to pick up a few things on my list and thought "it'll be a nice easy in and out trip. Walking in the first set of automatic doors opened as I approached. Then the second didn't and if you know my skills at paying attention at times. I walked smacked into closed doors which were kind enough to open after I walked into them. So I bounced off the doors and then walked through. The guy at customer serviced stared at me and I shrugged it off. Now this wouldn't be so bad except that as I was leaving and using the other entrance same thing happens. First set of doors open but not the second. With a "Really?" and a sigh I pushed open the automatic door and left the door - starting to wonder if I was going to need to dodge cars or carts. But in thinking about it how often do we all walk into doors in our lives? (metaphorically). Some days we bounce and can just shrug it off. We find ways to either open the door ourselves...

There's a Matchbox 20 song called "Angry." Part of the lyrics to the chorus are "and I scream that I'm not angry." It's a good song for when you're angry. But right now there is a burning furnace churning in my core and this song lyric does not fully capture my feelings. Maybe if I was going to sing/scream this in the privacy of my car it would be more along the lines of "and I scream that I'm not angry, I'm pissed as hell!!!" It has been a trying weekend. It is no longer good or healthy for me to be numb. It's time to fight is what comes out over and over again from my core. At the more "nicer" end of my spectrum of anger is just having a good old fashion temper tantrum - kicking, screaming and throwing myself in the floor. At the other end of my spectrum is me wanting to have my own "temple tantrum" similar to the one recorded in the Gospels - Jesus over turning the tables in the temple to make his point. ...

The armor we choose to surround ourselves in is different for every person. It's there for reasons that are personal and sometimes deeply rooted. Some choose to only wear certain types of clothes. I know members of clergy that are so attached to their robes and collared shirts that you wonder if they sleep in them too.  Others hide behind a certain thing: their hair, their glasses, that certain makeup product, their title - you've met that person that's always their title then name. My armor is my size. I make it literally difficult for people to get close to me because I choose to maintain the size I am. Now I will never be a size 0, however, the size I am is an unhealthy armor. It keeps people from truly getting to know me. It's there as a bad coping skill - feel something and eat. When I don't fill my life with good it's pretty easy to fill myself with food in a vain attempt to feel something or to patch the cracks in my life. In all honesty this armor is p...

I work in a field that requires a person to wear many hats at once. I'm a parent, protector, educator, counselor, life guru, plumber, cook, driver, activities director, etc, etc. I have to know the people I serve and I have to know them well. And as I received word that one of these people was being immediately discharged from the company I had a two-fold reaction. At first I was happy, relieved, thrilled that this person was gone. The constant neediness 24/7. The constant "hey hey me me me me," the behaviors - oh the behaviors, gone. No more. The house would be quieter, I might be able to actually use the bathroom without someone talking at me through the locked, closed door. It was an end to the pain in my butt that this person had been. I even did a bit of a happy dance. Then came on the second set of emotions: the defeat, failure that every thing we had tried as a team, the counseling -  with real counselors and us, all of the time and energy. The sticking to the ...

October is here officially, even though it's felt like it for awhile. The trees are changing their colors and the leaves are starting to fall to the ground. There's a beauty in this time of year even though it foreshadows death. The world seems to be slowing down - the days are getting shorter and shorter. The temperature is starting to drop - calling out to me to start taking time to slow myself down and to hibernate and prepare for the winter that's coming. But fall is also a time for good things - the weather is perfect for a drive into the country to find that cute little orchard, pick up some apples and bake so the house fills with wonderful smells. There's a sense of comfort from having a great warm beverage and being curled up with that favorite sweater, hoodie and/or blanket. October has been for me a historical time of change. I was ordained this time of year, I moved to where I currently am almost exactly a year ago today. I've started new jobs, left o...