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"And I Scream I'm Not Angry"

There's a Matchbox 20 song called "Angry." Part of the lyrics to the chorus are "and I scream that I'm not angry." It's a good song for when you're angry. But right now there is a burning furnace churning in my core and this song lyric does not fully capture my feelings. Maybe if I was going to sing/scream this in the privacy of my car it would be more along the lines of "and I scream that I'm not angry, I'm pissed as hell!!!" It has been a trying weekend. It is no longer good or healthy for me to be numb. It's time to fight is what comes out over and over again from my core. At the more "nicer" end of my spectrum of anger is just having a good old fashion temper tantrum - kicking, screaming and throwing myself in the floor. At the other end of my spectrum is me wanting to have my own "temple tantrum" similar to the one recorded in the Gospels - Jesus over turning the tables in the temple to make his point.

This is not a balanced response. This is not the Higher Self kicking in. This is the Protector part coming out. It's my inner child coming out and screaming "it's not fair." I do not want to find peace with the situation. I want to be right. I want to "win one" for once. I want justice - and that's my version of justice. I know that the reality of things changing is slim to none. I know that I cannot make others change or be something other then what and who they are. But then that frustration kicks in of I want people to be more then are. I want them to live up to my standards.

So what do I do with this? What do I do with this disconnect between my pieces and the place my Higher Self wants to be in? What do I do with this anger? Well...I obviously write it out. I've reasoned myself to death on the issue. I've felt with my heart all that I think I can feel. Now comes to finding the balance of living with things as they are - of finding that neutral spot. It's not about avoiding feeling but it's about find a place of balance where I'm not overrun with one set of emotions or the next. Balance - it's about finding balance. *Sigh - more hard work.
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