So I Don't Fit - Literally; 1 Year Later

Today is the 1 year anniversary to me publishing my blog post “So I Don’t Fit – Literally.” It has been my most read and commented upon blog post. So I thought that it was time to revisit the topic and see if I had learned anything and/or if society had learned. I do not see society as having changed much. I am proud of my colleagues, who have published their own blogs and have taken on the issues of body image and even wrote a letter as a parent that went viral and even was on CNN. The conversation continues in America today about what beauty is and the standards we hold each other too. However, these prophetic voices are not enough to be a strong counter voice to a multi billion-dollar industry. I still am tempted to buy the very magazines that tell me I’m not pretty or fashionable because they have the money to be everywhere. What I do see as a step in the right direction is the willingness of more people to have this conversation about what is beautiful. Physically, since last year, I have not gained or lost any weight. I have maintained myself. While some may see this as a negative, I feel that this is a positive. I have a multitude of reasons, and I’ll even give in that some are excuses, why I am my size but I am happy that I am not bigger than I am. I’m still relatively healthy on every other front other than my weight. What have I learned in the year since that post – I hope that I’ve learned that my reaction means more to any situation than the actually situation. If I choose to respond to hate with hate myself, I am only perpetuating a system that I say I want no part in. I hope that I’ve learned compassion for those who feel that they must meet standards that are unhealthy and often unattainable. I hope that I have found more inner strength and courage to be who I am and to find peace within myself. What I find myself struggling with is a sense of judgment from others and of acceptance. Right or wrong, real or some made up fantasy in my mind, I still feel and sense that I am judged by others. Example: when I go shopping in certain stores in the mall that don’t carry clothes in my sizes (some intentional and others not). I often sense that I am being judged for entering the store and that I often don’t get the same service I would if I was a smaller size. Sometimes I get the sense that people think I have lost my place by entering these store. Example: buffets – I really don’t like buffets because I often feel that I am watched and judged by what I do or don’t put on my plate and by how many trips I make to the buffet. While I know I shouldn’t care if someone else thinks that my third trip to the buffet because I don’t like certain things touching on my plate, therefore, I make multiple trips, I do. I want to be accepted for me; the person who doesn’t want my food touching each other. I want to be accepted that for the fact that I’m a person, who has paid my money and wants to eat their meal in relative peace. I want to be accepted for being a friend to someone who is smaller than me and how goes shopping with them to spend meaningful time even though I really don’t like shopping myself. This is my growing area, to be authentic to myself, despite what others think or want from me. Maybe in another year I’ll have more to say to that.