Skip to main content

Anxiety Attack

Anxiety - oh how I don't like it. It's a big ego thing in general but alas anxiety still lives and reigns in my life/body. I have been working for about 6 weeks on a CMA class. I was making peace with things and then the next thing I knew it was the night before the test. Can we say major anxiety attack??? A little background...I'm the girl in high school who set the chem lab on fire (I put it out myself), I've never done well in the sciences or math and I don't test well. So I've carried around tons of anxiety about not being good at this stuff for decades. So I found myself sitting in a meeting the night before the test with a massive headache, nausea, having hot flashes and having a hard time keeping my body from shaking. Driving home in a storm, at dark on the interstate just about pushes me over the edge because it's all not going to be okay. Getting mad at myself for being this upset and worked up....can you say too much!!! It's amazing how all of this crap plays on and on in one's head. I could say it's all past experience and what other people say of me. However it's really ego. It's all about how I want to be seen. I want to be seen in a certain way. I want to be seen as successful person and allow tests and classes define me. I want to be seen as a person who has all of their shit together when the reality of the moment is that I'm doing the best that I can at the moment. It might look like a failure at times and sometimes a wonderful achievement. How about it's all an achievement...it's all an achievement in me becoming close to who and what I'm suppose to be. It's about checking the ego and just being okay with the world. Lets hope that the ego can be checked, the anxiety melt away and more of the authentic me coming out into the world.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Political vs. Partisan in Preaching

For years now, I have heard in preaching and clergy circles about being political in sermons; the good, the bad and those who state that church shouldn’t be political. There are workshops, books, and podcasts talking about politics in the church with a variety of opinions. What do people mean when they make the statement that the church shouldn’t be political? The IRS has the most say about the rules for the separation of church and state/politics. If your church wants to be tax exempt, there are rules: don’t endorse any candidate or party, if you allow one party to use your space, other political parties also must be allowed to use the space, etc. The UCC’s general counsel, Heather Kimmell, has a webinar on this topic if you’d like to hear a more detailed explanation which can be found on the UCC’s YouTube channel. Churches have gotten “creative” in how to get around this, often partnering with another non-profit group to give support to a particular group. The UCC is proud to claim...

A Day in the Life: A Minister and Forgiveness

 I shared in one of my last blogs that I had complaints lodged against me by a small group in my congregation. Most seem to have moved on after our group meeting, where I apologized for a lot of things - probably more then I should have had too. But I'm the professional in those settings so I did it.  I'm not being told, second hand, that two of those in that meeting want a one on one apology from me because what I said in the meeting wasn't good enough. This is the couple who cursed in my church, have flat out lied about me and have repeatedly stated that the only outcome they're willing to accept is my termination.  Let me explain why I won't be having a one on one meeting with this couple and I won't be giving any more apologies. First, lets start with the apology part. I have apologized for my actions - maybe my misinterpretations is a better term. Based off of their actions and words, I communicated with the proper board/committee and asked for consensus ab...

February 2025 Clergy Life Glimpses

February 2025 feels like it's been the longest year ever. The state of the US government is just scary and getting worse and worse by the hour. As a cis-gender, white, middle age, female I know I have more agency and power then many. I can't know what my siblings of God are feeling and dealing with during this time when their existence is literally being erased by the US government and they're being told they're flawed and have no rights to even exist. Although there are grassroot efforts to fight the orange one's executive orders, I fear we are following the Hitler playbook and there are not enough people on the right who will stand up against our president and his regime.  It has been hard to write an update on daily or even semi regular "days in the life of a pastor." Finding words that speak to as many as possible because I work in a purple congregation takes time and energy that I am running low on. And then on a more personal professional note: being...