I'm still processing my trip to Kentucky and back. Many things just hit me and I had a lot of time to think while driving (20 hours give or take). I thought, I listened to music - sometimes singing, sometimes just letting the words into my soul, I sat in quiet, I cried, I laughed, I reflected on the creation that was around me. I commented on other people's driving skills or lack there of. I prayed and tried to search for that core of essence within myself. It was a very deep time for me and my soul. I am probably more tired because of the work and searching I was doing then from the driving. But what became clear to me more then anything else on those interstates through corn and soybean fields was that my spirit was, is, being crushed by where I am and what I do. Things and places can help for a time or a season and that's the hard part of figuring out when that time or season have come to an end. Wanting to hold on because of ego crap, to hold on because of fear. It is time to change so my spirit can be free and not smashed into a little box or have pieces chipped away from me. I am scared as hell about what this all means but I guess here goes nothing. What else do I have to lose other then my spirit right?
For new readers and those who don't know me, I'm fat. Medically labeled "morbidly obese." I have always been fat since I can remember. It's a multifaceted part of my reality: it's part my choice, part genetics. I am well aware that I need to work on this. I'm reminded every time I go to the doctor: need a flu shot - you're fat. Have an ear infection - you're fat. Cat bite - discharge instructions start with you're morbidly obese (I'm not kidding). You lost weight and still think something's off - loose more weight. I have been working on addressing my weight and have managed to loose and keep off just under 80 pounds. Do I still have a lot more weight to loose? Yup. I didn't become this size overnight and taking this off won't happen overnight either. A few weeks ago, a friend stopped by to visit me on their journey to vacation. As they were preparing to leave, I get stopped and asked to sit. I was told that they're concerne...
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