What follows below is a paper I wrote for a worship class on weddings from 2008. I'm happy to say that civil unions (same sex marriage) is now legal in 19 states, the federal government has agreed to recognize all civil unions and DOMA laws are now being legal challenged in all of the states that have not allowed same sex marriage.
As
one stands in line at the grocery check out line, you will find at least one
magazine devoted to marriage, specifically brides. There’s usually a picture of
the happy bride, sometimes with the groom, with headlines such as how to have a
grand wedding for only a grand and so on. Young children are encouraged to play
out fantasies about getting married with dolls[1].
Marriage in the United States has become a vast marketing opportunity, which is
a multi-million dollar a year industry. The Church has to rethink what is
appropriate. The American Church has to find ways to bridge the function of the
state and the meaning the Church has imposed upon weddings. As a historic
function of the state, marriage is where two people decided to merge together,
creating a new, official family; yet the Church places additional meaning and
understandings on marriage. The Church has used marriage as a means of defining
a family unit; a man and a woman who will now being to procreate producing more
Christians for the world’s betterment. This is said at the same time as saying
that God sanctions marriage and that this is the natural order of life.
Marriage is two people making covenants to each other and placing on them
special meaning passed down in Church teachings, while fulfilling a function of
the state.
The
purpose of marriage has changed. Women, up until about 100 years ago, were seen
as property of men. The father of a woman owned his daughter(s). They were in
charge of placing their property, daughters, in places that would benefit the
family, not necessarily the daughter[2].
Families would often have to give a dowry to the groom’s family so they would
accept responsibility for the new addition to the family. In return the bride’s
family stood to gain enhanced social status, access to more wealth, property,
etc. In some instances the families of the bride and groom would arrange the
marriage, leaving the couple no choice in the matter. Both bride and groom were
just expected to learn to live together and to produce children, hopefully
males, to extend the family name[3].
Occasionally the couple to marry might be able to weigh in on the person chosen
for them, however, their opinions where not always heard very strongly. The
idea of love would hopefully develop over time but it was not a factor in the
decision for a man and woman to marry[4].
The
historical idea of weddings to be a ceremony of the exchange of property has
changed into the idea of marrying for love in the West. “A wedding is the public performance of romantic love,
a virtue that, despite its pagan origins, most people consider quintessentially
Western and Christian.[5]”
Today’s western couples are encouraged to “follow their hearts” and find their
“soul mate”. Families very rarely arrange marriages in the West, but often are
expected to meet the perspective new family member in advance of a wedding.
Couples can now easily elope and get married on the sole basis of love. This
idea of marriage is only about love also makes it easy for people to decide to
end a marriage when they feel that “the love is gone.” While not all marriages
should be continued, especially in the case of abusive situations, couples
often find it quite easy to divorce when one no longer feels the same love they
once did in dating and around the marriage.
The idea of
marriage for love has also led to the “shot gun marriage.” When families
arranged marriages, they did their best to make sure the girl was in perfect
condition, still a virgin. When marriage shifted to being about love and
couples were allowed to pick and chose and not be so closely watched in the
dating phase, unplanned pregnancies caused a shift in need for marriage. Based
on the biblical story of Adam and Eve being created for each other and then
being told to be fruitful and multiply, couples are really only suppose to have
children within the bonds of marriage. A woman’s character and worth was
diminished if she was found to be pregnant before marriage. The shotgun
marriage came about when parents found out that a daughter was pregnant. The
father of the baby was then expected to marry the mother of his child before it
was born so things would be in the right order and that the child would not be
born as a bastard. In the 21st century, shotgun weddings are no
longer as common but still occur even though a father may not have a gun
literally pointed at him today. Marriage is no longer a prerequisite for having
children or “bring fruitful and multiplying.” Marriage can now solely be about
finding one’s true love without the added pressure of having to have children.
With an emphasis
on love and not exchanging property, marriage’s definition of who can be
married is being changed to be more inclusive. Called civil unions in three
states, Vermont, Massachusetts and California, same sex couples are now being
allowed to have ceremonies and be legally recognized by those states. This
ritual is a time for public celebration and the gaining of legal rights
(receiving insurance benefits on a partner’s policy, being able to make legal
decisions for each other without having to file for power of attorney,
etc). Most couples make a civil union
into a wedding ceremony by using traditional symbols (rings, cake, flowers,
etc) and liturgy (vows, pronouncements, etc.). Civil union ceremonies are also
a way for same sex couples to share their covenants with their friends, family
and children. Although not allowed to use the name of marriage, same sex
couples are creating a ritual that looks and does the similar function of
marriage. There is a tension that is held in civil unions because although a
couple maybe happy to celebrate their love, others may not. The ceremony
provides an escape, even if temporary, from the outside pressures they may
experience in regards to their relationship[6].
Marrying out of love is opening up the categories for who can marry who.
Marrying for
love brings up the question of where is God in the marriage ceremony. If God
bestows all love, and a marriage fails because it “ran out of love,” has God
failed? This idea puts God’s role in marriage into question. Humanity knows
love because God has loved creation from the very beginning, proclaiming it
good in every step in Genesis 1. God created out of love not because God had
too, but because God saw it fit to do so. Humans have been encouraged to be in
relationship and to love because we have examples of it everywhere. God never
stops loving creation, even though God does get upset and frustrated. As beings
created in the image of God, we too get upset and frustrated with each other.
Our love changes, even though God’s is constant. We not only learn to love
others but we also learn to love ourselves. This self love sometimes requires
people to end relationships whether they are contractual or not. God’s love is
constant in getting us through these times to love’s transitions and will
always be with us.
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