Pieces of me: self protector

If you hadn't noticed I haven't spent much time blogging in November or December. It's partly because I work too many hours. The other reason is because it's the part of my I call the self protector coming out. It's the part of you that convinces the rest of you that you're okay, you're fine and you just keep going along with life. The self protector adds the layers of tape to attempt to hold yourself together. That part is doing this work because it knows that if and when you break, crack or even think about your brokenness you finally realize you're not okay that you will finally feel. You'll finally experience that hurt and pain you've been dragging around. You'll realize that you're not whole/holy and you hurt and it hurts deep and to the core. It's that self protector that says just be numb. You might not realize that the self protector is at work because you don't recognize that you're not feeling. It's kind of a vacation if you're a heart person like me. When I feel, I feel everything so being numb is time to rest. It's time to be distracted from the reality that just flat out sucks most of the time. Having a self protector as a part of your whole self is not a bad thing. We need them so we can have those breaks that we need. But it does become a problem when the self protector takes the lead and doesn't go back to their rightful spot to achieve balance and wholeness within. That is where I find myself now - trying to put the self protector back in their place but at the same time knowing that I'm unsure and unwilling to engage my stuff.