I struggle with the concept of being responsible. I have never lacked at being the responsible one in many situations. My OCD tendencies and leadership style tend to suit me being the responsible person in situations. However, when it comes to life I find that I tend to let my responsible self dominate the rest of my life. If you think of a person being made of a variety of parts that could be seen as individual people that all sit in a circle. As whole they make you up and should work to keep you in balance. There's the lover, fighter, career person, responsible person, the higher self, the inner critic, so on and so on. It is easy to get out of balance in this group. One person will tend to come to the fore front and for me right now it's the responsible one. While not always a bad thing to be responsible, when that is your dominate mode of operation balance is lost. The whole self loses touch with the things that ground and refresh a person. They lose sight of the joy in creation. It's hard not to think about the future without thinking about being responsible in a society where it seems like the future is uncertain. Jobs, financial situations are changing and you don't want to find yourself "screwed over" in the future. If you've ever been in a situation where you were upside down on bills you tend to work to keep yourself from having that happen again. It seems like the responsible thing to do but at what cost? That's where I find myself. Struggling with doing the things to keep me from going backwards but at the same time not going forward. It's not easy to admit because that would mean I'm not all with it and how irresponsible would that be??? Here's to praying and learning that my responsible self needs to take a back seat to other parts of me.
Last night I had dinner at a restaurant I eat at at least twice a month. Usually I'm in a group but I was by myself. It's not often that I have time by myself right now so I welcomed the time to sit and eat food someone else cooked. I sat in the booth by myself and kept to myself. I had a book with me and my palm labyrinth so I was entertained and felt like it would be a productive time to self and with my self. But the comments from the trio of ladies across from me was anything less then pleasant. Now if you don't know me let me be clear, I am a big lady. I believe the clinical definition of my size would be morbidly obese. I am aware that I take up more physical space then I should. I don't fit into every booth in a restaurant. Believe it or not I do own a mirror and do use it even though I don't enjoy it. I am also aware that I am my size by my own doing and no one else's. I do not expect the world to accommodate me for being this way. If you want me to p...
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