I have a confession: I will disappoint people as a pastor. This is a reality I live almost daily. I see it when I'm introduced by my last name and watch as a person's face falls when they realize I'm female. I see it in some folks who see my tattoos and shake their head in disapproval that I'd mark my body.
I will disappoint people as a pastor because I will make a mistake and/or forget something. Yes I try to remember what I'm told on the fly, but my brain is not as good as it once was. Sunday mornings before and after worship are not always the best time to tell me things because my brain wrestles with many things. (Note - help your pastor out and write stuff down for us. We thank you in advance.)
I will disappoint people by my choice to schedule time off when they feel that I should be present with them. While I personally, and many of my colleagues do the same, will attend to true crisis during our off time, others have different values, priorities and expectations for my time and life. I am aware, both right and wrong, that every single member of a congregation believes they have a right to me. Some believe that because they contribute to my salary, that they own me. While I am happy to respond and meet with people, I also need to be away from others, I need time to refresh and rest. So when people call me after hours, on days off or when I'm in hospital myself, I may not answer you and if I do answer I may not be willing to meet with you right away. Not every perceived emergency is one.
I will disappoint people as a pastor because I will make a mistake and/or forget something. Yes I try to remember what I'm told on the fly, but my brain is not as good as it once was. Sunday mornings before and after worship are not always the best time to tell me things because my brain wrestles with many things. (Note - help your pastor out and write stuff down for us. We thank you in advance.)
I will disappoint people by my choice to schedule time off when they feel that I should be present with them. While I personally, and many of my colleagues do the same, will attend to true crisis during our off time, others have different values, priorities and expectations for my time and life. I am aware, both right and wrong, that every single member of a congregation believes they have a right to me. Some believe that because they contribute to my salary, that they own me. While I am happy to respond and meet with people, I also need to be away from others, I need time to refresh and rest. So when people call me after hours, on days off or when I'm in hospital myself, I may not answer you and if I do answer I may not be willing to meet with you right away. Not every perceived emergency is one.
But the hardest time that I watch people be disappointed in me as a pastor (often this also transfers to me as a person too) is when I don't agree with a person on their theological point of view. This most often happens over my radical hospitality and refusal to condemn the "other." I won't pretend that I'm perfect at the non-condemning part because I get pushed to the point of having to really bite my tongue. I do my best to not take things personally when people stop attending and/or leave a congregation I serve, but it often has a personal element to it. People refuse to stay in a congregation that has a pastor who personally welcomes all, despite the congregation's own policies. People refuse to even acknowledge my presence or worth because I'm female and serve God with the title pastor.
I do not like to disappoint people. I have this part of me that wants to be perfect at all times. But reality is that I will disappoint you at some point in my life or ministry. If that disappointment is because I truly made a mistake, let me apologize to you; I am sorry. I hope that I will learn from what I did, or maybe didn't do, and do better in the future. However, if your disappointment in me has to do with you not being happy that I am taking time for myself, that I did not comply with your request or expectations immediately, I will not apologize to you.
Instead I'm going to push back by asking you to reconsider your expectations of me. For any minister I ask you to consider: 1) are your expectations fair and realistic of the minister? Could you or would you be willing to live your life at the congregation's beck and call? 2) Are you willing to adequately compensate your minister for all of the time you want them to be available? Most ministers are contracted for 40 hours a week but often work over that. Are you willing to let us have comp time or start paying overtime to your minister? 3) Would you be able to meet the expectations if you were the minister? Would you want too? I don't ask these questions to point fingers but as a way to invite you to consider the other and to think beyond what you want and think you need. It's an invitation to consider what your minister wants and needs. Maybe there would be a little less disappointment and a little more grace happening in our world if we asked these questions of ourselves.
I do not like to disappoint people. I have this part of me that wants to be perfect at all times. But reality is that I will disappoint you at some point in my life or ministry. If that disappointment is because I truly made a mistake, let me apologize to you; I am sorry. I hope that I will learn from what I did, or maybe didn't do, and do better in the future. However, if your disappointment in me has to do with you not being happy that I am taking time for myself, that I did not comply with your request or expectations immediately, I will not apologize to you.
Instead I'm going to push back by asking you to reconsider your expectations of me. For any minister I ask you to consider: 1) are your expectations fair and realistic of the minister? Could you or would you be willing to live your life at the congregation's beck and call? 2) Are you willing to adequately compensate your minister for all of the time you want them to be available? Most ministers are contracted for 40 hours a week but often work over that. Are you willing to let us have comp time or start paying overtime to your minister? 3) Would you be able to meet the expectations if you were the minister? Would you want too? I don't ask these questions to point fingers but as a way to invite you to consider the other and to think beyond what you want and think you need. It's an invitation to consider what your minister wants and needs. Maybe there would be a little less disappointment and a little more grace happening in our world if we asked these questions of ourselves.
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