A pastor is first and foremost human. We generally love to walk with people on their journeys; births, relationships, baptisms, illnesses, deaths. But just as these events happen in non-church situations they happen in the life of your pastor. They may happen directly to us, it may be to "our people" - friends, family, those who support/love/care for us.
Church members/parishioners try to be there for us. Some of them are really good about being there for their pastors. Sometimes they really get things and know when we need a break/to cry/to laugh/to go home/etc. But at the end of the day, the reality is that pastors rarely can be that vulnerable with their church members. Sometimes its considered a boundaries violation to share their personal life with their church members. Other times a pastor has to be concerned about if sharing any personal information will come back later to be used against them. I know this sounds bad and it's not something I believe that church members intentionally set out to do (although there seem to be a few of these folks who are out to get anything they can on a person). But church and faith are extremely personal things and when something happens to set a person's church or faith out of their normal setting, you will see people acting badly. As much as pastors want to be open and honest with the communities they serve, it's rarely wise for us to do so.
Another problem with congregations being a pastor to the pastor is that all too often the church members are not in the habit, nor do they pose the ability, to do it. I shared in a small setting about the need for some prayer support as I am still processing the death of 2 church members on the same day and then the news that several of my good friends are having medical crisis. I got the sympathetic head nod and then got hit with the prayer concerns of another church member who just came into the conversation. The whole conversation and atmosphere changed and it was no longer about me needing prayer, it was time for me to be the pastor and walk with this person.
It's not easy to make this shift but ministers learn to do it. Is it fair that we have to do this? I'm not sure there's a yes or no answer to this question. Would I like to see things change so a minister can have moments? Sure but is it realistic to think this will happen - probably not because life keeps happening.
So what is a pastor to do? We find our own pastors. Some folks are able to find someone in their own town to be their pastor. For others of us, that's not possible. Some of us have clergy care groups and friends we've made along the way. Others of us rely on the resources of the internet to connect with others. But all to often it's hard to find a pastor to pastor you.
Here's some advice if you have a pastor in your life; 1) pray with them, pray for them. 2) allow your minister the time to get away and rest and to visit with others so they can talk and find support. 3) give your pastor time to be human first and pastor second. You don't have to have words for us. Sometimes you just need be present with us and maybe even have a Kleenex available.
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