Today I sat with a family who's matriarch died in hospice care. As the family was gathered, I asked some questions about the matriarch's and the family's wishes about the memorial service. As I sat and attempted to work with this family I started to come up with a list of helpful things I think folks should consider before they get to this stage. I offer these as suggestions and not requirements. But having been a hospital chaplain and now a congregational pastor I'd recommend folks to look at these things. Grief touches people in different ways. It can bring out and the best and the worst - and I've literally seen fist fights break out. Although no amount of preparation takes away grief, it can help folks in the grieving process and make grief lessen.
1) Advance Directives/Living Wills/Medical Decisions. I have one, have for several years. These are legal documents you can have made that allow you to make decisions about how you wanted to be treated by medical professionals in the event that you are not able to speak for yourself. These forms are different from state to state so check with your personal attorney or ask at your local hospital. Most hospitals provide this service to the community. You can often specify several different things with these documents. If you have one, make sure your family knows that, what it says and where it is kept. It's often a good idea to have your primary care doctor and lawyer have notarized copies.
2) Burial/Funeral Arrangements. If you have a preference about how you want to be buried and how you want your funeral most funeral homes will work with you and your family to make those arrangements in advance. You can often talk with your clergy about your wishes. If you have a special outfit, a favorite color or want your funeral to be more of a celebration verses a sad affair, let folks know. It's helpful to put these things in writing. You can go into as much or as little detail as you wish in planning but if there's something that's important to you, plan that in advance.
3) Communication is key!!!! I can't stress this part enough. Once you make a decision, whatever it is, about whatever, tell your family. Tell them more than once. If you have more than one child or family member who will be making arrangements, make sure they all know your wishes. Don't just assume that everyone will believe or agree that these things are your wishes unless you tell everyone. As I said above, grief brings out the best and worst in people and infighting and other emotions tend to surface, right or wrong. If you tell folks your wishes, it's not a guarantee that they will go along with your wishes, but there's a better chance that your wishes will be followed. Make sure you communicate with your clergy and/or funeral home about your wishes. You can change your mind. Things happen and we all change our minds. Make sure those changes are known.
1) Advance Directives/Living Wills/Medical Decisions. I have one, have for several years. These are legal documents you can have made that allow you to make decisions about how you wanted to be treated by medical professionals in the event that you are not able to speak for yourself. These forms are different from state to state so check with your personal attorney or ask at your local hospital. Most hospitals provide this service to the community. You can often specify several different things with these documents. If you have one, make sure your family knows that, what it says and where it is kept. It's often a good idea to have your primary care doctor and lawyer have notarized copies.
2) Burial/Funeral Arrangements. If you have a preference about how you want to be buried and how you want your funeral most funeral homes will work with you and your family to make those arrangements in advance. You can often talk with your clergy about your wishes. If you have a special outfit, a favorite color or want your funeral to be more of a celebration verses a sad affair, let folks know. It's helpful to put these things in writing. You can go into as much or as little detail as you wish in planning but if there's something that's important to you, plan that in advance.
3) Communication is key!!!! I can't stress this part enough. Once you make a decision, whatever it is, about whatever, tell your family. Tell them more than once. If you have more than one child or family member who will be making arrangements, make sure they all know your wishes. Don't just assume that everyone will believe or agree that these things are your wishes unless you tell everyone. As I said above, grief brings out the best and worst in people and infighting and other emotions tend to surface, right or wrong. If you tell folks your wishes, it's not a guarantee that they will go along with your wishes, but there's a better chance that your wishes will be followed. Make sure you communicate with your clergy and/or funeral home about your wishes. You can change your mind. Things happen and we all change our minds. Make sure those changes are known.
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