The World's Okayest Pastor

The armor we choose to surround ourselves in is different for every person. It's there for reasons that are personal and sometimes deeply rooted. Some choose to only wear certain types of clothes. I know members of clergy that are so attached to their robes and collared shirts that you wonder if they sleep in them too.  Others hide behind a certain thing: their hair, their glasses, that certain makeup product, their title - you've met that person that's always their title then name. My armor is my size. I make it literally difficult for people to get close to me because I choose to maintain the size I am. Now I will never be a size 0, however, the size I am is an unhealthy armor. It keeps people from truly getting to know me. It's there as a bad coping skill - feel something and eat. When I don't fill my life with good it's pretty easy to fill myself with food in a vain attempt to feel something or to patch the cracks in my life. In all honesty this armor is p...

I work in a field that requires a person to wear many hats at once. I'm a parent, protector, educator, counselor, life guru, plumber, cook, driver, activities director, etc, etc. I have to know the people I serve and I have to know them well. And as I received word that one of these people was being immediately discharged from the company I had a two-fold reaction. At first I was happy, relieved, thrilled that this person was gone. The constant neediness 24/7. The constant "hey hey me me me me," the behaviors - oh the behaviors, gone. No more. The house would be quieter, I might be able to actually use the bathroom without someone talking at me through the locked, closed door. It was an end to the pain in my butt that this person had been. I even did a bit of a happy dance. Then came on the second set of emotions: the defeat, failure that every thing we had tried as a team, the counseling -  with real counselors and us, all of the time and energy. The sticking to the ...

I was raised in a house with guns. My father was/is a hunter. Our holiday meals often depended on what my father had "bagged" in any given year. In good years we even held wild game feeds for friends and family to enjoy. My father is a responsible gun owner. The guns and ammo are locked up. Each of us kids were expected to understand that they were not toys and we all had gun safety classes. My dad took us out to practice shooting and I have to say I'm a better shot then some of the "big bad" boy scouts in my brother's troop. I respect guns, I think they can be pretty interesting. I honestly have no problem with them being in my home or shooting one from time to time. I enjoy the fact that if I choose I can buy a gun. Right now our country has it's panties in a twist about gun control. Let me start by saying that first and foremost there is no "easy answer." I want my freedom just as much as the next person. However, when I look at the histor...

Sitting at lunch with my good friend/mentor/pastor/life journey person we noticed a young woman walking into a restaurant next door wearing a very bright jacket. The glow of the neon yellow couldn't help but catch our attentions. Most neon colors do just that - call out for attention. But what was interesting was that this young lady had an additional jacket on - not uncommon when the high for the day is 20 - that was black with a basic pattern. It was the ultimate "don't notice me" jacket. A walking example of the dualism that exists in our lives.This young lady wanted to be seen but at the same time not. Isn't this a visible example of how we are taught to live our lives. We should be seen and out there but at the same time we're told to be mysterious and subdue. Maybe this is more of a girl theme. But men/guys are told to be the macho men but yet go home and be this soft teddy bear. These two ideas stand in opposition to each other. It's not to say th...

If I wrote a book... I'm not sure it would make it to the non-fiction section in the bookstores. Some of the things that I have experienced/heard/witnessed too are just things you can't make up but sure sound like it (i.e. a co-worker trying to convince me that a pineapple becomes a watermelon or vice verse - either way it's still messed up). If I wrote a book... I'm not sure that I would know what to fill the pages up with. Would it be to pastoral? Would it be too sarcastic? Would it be too critical? Would it be too "churchy" so that people wouldn't want to read it? If I wrote a book... I'm not sure what I would title it. I don't like coming up with titles period so that would be a major struggle for me. How to be catchy and at the same time honest and real? Then what picture would go on the back for a picture of the author? Since I tend to find ways not to be in pictures maybe a picture of me holding up my hands to the lens would be fitting. ...

There are days when I sit down to write and think I have something to say or share. And then I manage to sit down and it's gone. The energy and the words flee from my body. I get frustrated with that. In reflection upon this common occurrence it's partly because I want to believe that I'm this perfect person - that maybe for a bit I have my $&!% together. But the reality is - I don't. Many clergy, mental health care workers, doctors, etc don't have it together. They probably never have in their lifetimes and they most likely will only see glimpses of what it might look like being "together." I am convinced that there is not 1 person on planet earth, not even the Dali Lama, who has everything together. So that makes me wonder even more (yes I have spiral thinking processes) - why is it so important to get your stuff together? Why is it key and a sign of how great you are as an individual that you have your life together? It's partly a way for comp...

What has become more and more abundantly clear to me lately is that my angry self is coming out more and more. I'm pissed about work and where my life is/is not. I'm angry about laws and government rulings that affect me across the board. I'm angry that the "Church" sucks at being the "Church." I'm angry that I don't know how to express this anger in a constructive or healthy way. Anger is something that can sneak up on you and then it's unleashed. My anger I'm learning with the help of my spiritual director is a sign that I have not let my higher self be in the driver's seat. That I am out of balance. This is not to say that one does not get angry when the situation warrants it. However, when it's a constant feeling that you must spend time pushing anger down into its place, in your guts, you are out of balance and that's where I find myself - out of balance. And lets think about my relationship with God - who seems to be an ...