Holding on to things...some people do it with stuff, others with emotions and still others with people. When its with stuff we call those people hoarders. When it's emotions we say that person is (insert psychological diagnosis here). When it's people its co-dependency. It's the last one that I've been thinking about and trying to work on. If you know me I'm not big on stuff, I live completely behind the 6 month rule of use it or get rid of it. Emotions - I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve these days even though I wish I didn't. But people - that's a hard one for me. There's that overwhelming sense of not wanting to be alone. To want to know that I have my person out there. So in order to feel like that, even though I know that I have people out there, I've been holding onto a person that in all honesty I should have let go awhile ago...probably more like 2 or 3 years ago. But there was something that kept me there in a friendship and relationship that wasn't healthy. I held on because I was afraid to let go because to be without someone seemed to be worse then staying and losing myself more every day. But that's backward logic and I lost a lot of myself in the process. What I thought was great wasn't and I missed some opportunities in the process. I missed being myself most importantly. And I've wanted to hold on to this person because I thought that this was the best that I could do and maybe all I deserved. But in reality I deserve so much more then that. While I feel that I'm closing a door to this person in reality I'm opening the door to myself, to find all of me again and to find what I truly deserve and want in my life. Holding on can be good for a time but it's time to let go and find myself and to hold onto that.
Last night I had dinner at a restaurant I eat at at least twice a month. Usually I'm in a group but I was by myself. It's not often that I have time by myself right now so I welcomed the time to sit and eat food someone else cooked. I sat in the booth by myself and kept to myself. I had a book with me and my palm labyrinth so I was entertained and felt like it would be a productive time to self and with my self. But the comments from the trio of ladies across from me was anything less then pleasant. Now if you don't know me let me be clear, I am a big lady. I believe the clinical definition of my size would be morbidly obese. I am aware that I take up more physical space then I should. I don't fit into every booth in a restaurant. Believe it or not I do own a mirror and do use it even though I don't enjoy it. I am also aware that I am my size by my own doing and no one else's. I do not expect the world to accommodate me for being this way. If you want me to p...
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