I shared in one of my last blogs that I had complaints lodged against me by a small group in my congregation. Most seem to have moved on after our group meeting, where I apologized for a lot of things - probably more then I should have had too. But I'm the professional in those settings so I did it.
I'm not being told, second hand, that two of those in that meeting want a one on one apology from me because what I said in the meeting wasn't good enough. This is the couple who cursed in my church, have flat out lied about me and have repeatedly stated that the only outcome they're willing to accept is my termination.
Let me explain why I won't be having a one on one meeting with this couple and I won't be giving any more apologies. First, lets start with the apology part. I have apologized for my actions - maybe my misinterpretations is a better term. Based off of their actions and words, I communicated with the proper board/committee and asked for consensus about next steps. Maybe this couple really did speak out of anger, but words and actions have consequences. What was done has been undone and this couple has gotten what they wanted. To me they have received a verbal, public apology and things have been corrected.
I was never talked to about the letter of complaint, which contained false information, by the group. It went from this couple having an issue with me asking that one of the couple have better behavior because they brought others to tears - and it's not a first for them, to a group of people came together and wrote a letter and didn't want me included in anything about these complaints until one of my ACMs forced them to include me in conversation. So if I'm never spoken with by individuals, then why should I be expected to give individual apologies? I have also not been offered an apology, public or private, but any of the letter writers. Maybe it's petty, but I have done my part of try to find reconciliation, but I am not being met even 20% of the way. Also if this is truly what this couple needs, then they need to communicate with me directly.
Now on to the meeting part and why I won't have a private one on one with either party of this couple. They have demonstrated that they will use whatever means they can to twist words. This is why I have done my best to have a third party present when meeting with either. They have also used inappropriate times and groups to attack me. When I have stated that the group and time was not appropriate, I was not supported in that. I will not set myself up to have more round and round with this couple. They also have a well documented history, in and out of my church, of blame shifting and turning everything into attacks on their family system and not dealing with things on an individual level. I will not be blamed for things that happened years before I came to this church/community. And I will not allow others to turn me into an aggressor and further be victimized by this couple. They are my abusers and I do not have to put myself in positions that allow for me to continue being abused. I'm sure they have been victimized themselves by society but that doesn't give anyone the right to pass that along to another.
Forgiveness is important. It's biblical. Christians can find many accounts in the Bible that talk about it's importance. I support doing forgiveness work in group settings, with an individual and with one's self. However, the Bible also talks about love for one's self and resting and how reconciliation is a two party activity. I can move on because I know that folks have shown my who they are and what they're capable of. But forgiveness does not mean that one needs to become a martyr. This is not a cross that I have to bear for the rest of my minister with this community. I pray that we will find pathways forward and learn to walk together again. And if my boundaries are a sin, I ask forgiveness.
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