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Anxiety Attack

Anxiety - oh how I don't like it. It's a big ego thing in general but alas anxiety still lives and reigns in my life/body. I have been working for about 6 weeks on a CMA class. I was making peace with things and then the next thing I knew it was the night before the test. Can we say major anxiety attack??? A little background...I'm the girl in high school who set the chem lab on fire (I put it out myself), I've never done well in the sciences or math and I don't test well. So I've carried around tons of anxiety about not being good at this stuff for decades. So I found myself sitting in a meeting the night before the test with a massive headache, nausea, having hot flashes and having a hard time keeping my body from shaking. Driving home in a storm, at dark on the interstate just about pushes me over the edge because it's all not going to be okay. Getting mad at myself for being this upset and worked up....can you say too much!!! It's amazing how all of this crap plays on and on in one's head. I could say it's all past experience and what other people say of me. However it's really ego. It's all about how I want to be seen. I want to be seen in a certain way. I want to be seen as successful person and allow tests and classes define me. I want to be seen as a person who has all of their shit together when the reality of the moment is that I'm doing the best that I can at the moment. It might look like a failure at times and sometimes a wonderful achievement. How about it's all an achievement...it's all an achievement in me becoming close to who and what I'm suppose to be. It's about checking the ego and just being okay with the world. Lets hope that the ego can be checked, the anxiety melt away and more of the authentic me coming out into the world.

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