Being me - something that is suppose to be easy but in reality it's not. I carry around the shit of my past. I carry around the hopes, dreams and expectations that I have for myself and others have indoctrinated into me. That's probably why naming a person is such a big deal for so many. You want to name someone to be the person whom they'll become. But are those hopes theirs or someone else's? So with all of that it gets to be hard and confussing as to who" me/I" is.
In several lines of thought there is the concept that every person has something inate within themselves. Some call it knowledge, others a spark, others the Holy Spirit. It's unique for each person based on their time, place, social location, etc. But nevertheless it's there within each person and I would say in all created things. But so often we try to shape, mold, even change that inate part of us. We cover it up, we deny it, we try to be what is expected of us. People can choose to either live up or down to expectations in both good and bad ways. We expect/hope people will become laywers and they become an ordained, broke pastor who lives with their parents again. A person from the projects with a broken home becomes one of the most well loved and prolific writer, director and actor in the country.
Efforts to reconnect with this inner knowledge/spark is a painful and hard process as I'm learning in my journey. There's a lot of grief work to do in order to get past the goals or thoughts that you once had. I remember in my younger years of thinking up the vision of myself for the future. Go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married and start a family by the time I turned 30. Well I turned 30 this year and about the only thing on that list that I've accomplished is going to college. My life is very different from those dreams. Life has happened. I wrestle with the fact that having biological children is not a reality for me. However that doesn't mean that a family is off of the table, it'll just look very different. But this list of stuff was more about what other's expected of me and not about my intate personhood. So now the trick is moving onto the next stage to figure out who I am and how to become better connected to my inner self.
In several lines of thought there is the concept that every person has something inate within themselves. Some call it knowledge, others a spark, others the Holy Spirit. It's unique for each person based on their time, place, social location, etc. But nevertheless it's there within each person and I would say in all created things. But so often we try to shape, mold, even change that inate part of us. We cover it up, we deny it, we try to be what is expected of us. People can choose to either live up or down to expectations in both good and bad ways. We expect/hope people will become laywers and they become an ordained, broke pastor who lives with their parents again. A person from the projects with a broken home becomes one of the most well loved and prolific writer, director and actor in the country.
Efforts to reconnect with this inner knowledge/spark is a painful and hard process as I'm learning in my journey. There's a lot of grief work to do in order to get past the goals or thoughts that you once had. I remember in my younger years of thinking up the vision of myself for the future. Go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married and start a family by the time I turned 30. Well I turned 30 this year and about the only thing on that list that I've accomplished is going to college. My life is very different from those dreams. Life has happened. I wrestle with the fact that having biological children is not a reality for me. However that doesn't mean that a family is off of the table, it'll just look very different. But this list of stuff was more about what other's expected of me and not about my intate personhood. So now the trick is moving onto the next stage to figure out who I am and how to become better connected to my inner self.
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