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Grief in Community

They say "grief is a funny thing." While sometimes funny things happen as part of the grief process, I'm not sure I buy into this saying. 

Recently, a colleague died unexpectedly, leaving behind a partner, two adult kids and countless friends, colleagues and others. Many people are in shock and grieving the surprise of this person's death. Others are feeling some relief and PTSD as their lived experience of this person has been different from others. Watching the social media posts roll in and seeing people go at it in the comments breaks my heart a bit. Most of the comments have been about sorrow and how good this person was. Other people have chosen not to share anything and a few have expressed that they feel a relief or even sorrow because this person is not going to be held accountable for their actions against them. And people are attacking those who have not had positive experiences with this individual.

As someone who has attended hundreds of deaths and officiated countless funerals, community needs to recognize that people are multifaceted. While some see a person as a saint, others see them as a sinner. We all carry and live into this duality - we will never be all things to all people, nor should we try. 

No matter how good of a life we live, someone will probably think we were awful. Mother Teresa and the Pope have plenty of people who believe they are awful people and did/doing the wrong things. If those two can't escape this duality, I don't have much hope for me or you. And to be honest, there are just some people that just were not great people and it's okay to call a spade a spade. 

What I do know is that people's feelings are not right or wrong. How you choose to express those feelings can be when you hurt yourself or others. Feelings are just that - feelings. Using social media to attack another person who shared their feelings about how they feel about a person or an event is not helpful. Even the best of intentions can be misconstrued. I know people want to honor those who have died. You get to do that for yourself. You don't get to control if others do that. You don't get to gaslight people into your narrative of a person. Two or more experiences of a person can and do exist. 

So please beloved, be compassionate enough to allow people to have their feelings about people. If you don't agree, acknowledge the disagreement and move on. You don't have to dwell on the difference. You don't have to affirm it. What you can do is say that someone else has a different lived experience from yours and move on. Don't start comment section wars on social media. Don't try to argue that they're wrong and you're right. You take your memories and feelings and let the others have theirs. 

Please remember to be loving in community when times of grief arise. There is room for us all. Take what you need and let go of what you don't during these times.


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