Yesterday I resigned from my current call as pastor. I have been with this congregation for 10 and a half months. When I interviewed, I knew that I would be accepting a position with a congregation that needed to do some work to revitalize itself and that was having some financial issues. But this is 2020/21 and what church isn’t having to discern both of these things? The folks I interviewed with told me of their hopes and dreams about going back to having a full-time pastor in 3-5 years, of restarting Sunday School, of wanting to try new things. They said that they had used the resources provided to them from the conference and that they were committed and just needed guidance.
And while I want to believe that they were being honest
during the interview process, the congregation’s behaviors tell a different
story. Much was left up to me, and I’ll admit I over function at times so I’m
not blameless, and there was no interest in people wanting to do the work.
Sunday School: asking for three months for volunteers to be the second adult so
we are providing a safe program and we couldn’t get anyone to be a living,
breathing, background checked adult to just sit in the room. But yet, the
church “needs” Sunday School.
Getting people to wear a mask and wash their hands. I have had
enough jobs to know that people are gross and have been for decades. I was a
housekeeper and trust me people make and leave really gross messes and they don’t
wash their hands. So, with COVID-19 now having multiple variants you would think
that a church, that claims to love everyone, would do the right thing and wear
masks and use the hand sanitizer that’s throughout the building. Nope they
sure don’t. And asking them to do so is “buying into the government wanting to
tell us what we can and can’t do.”
Asking for help to build out their social media presence. We
got Zoom set up in the sanctuary but what else? A few people really stepped up,
donating time and money to make this happen. Little thanks was given and now
the complaint is why do we still Zoom? These people need to be in the church
building. So, we want to cut off people who are literally Zooming in from out of
town and state? We want to cut off people who need to stay away from groups of
people for health reasons.
These are just a few examples of what I would consider minor
issues of the last 10 and a half months. They create little knicks in my pastor
skin. It’s nothing major. I’m not going to die from it. But all of these little
cuts add up and you become really uncomfortable.
Then let’s add on a church bully who starts out nice and
helpful, but then turns into a person who matches most of the description of an
active shooter – yes clergy are taking active shooter trainings because the
church is no longer a safe place in society. This person has a key to the
parsonage and the garage door code. Things break in the parsonage and when the
service techs tell you they can’t replace the parts on 30-year-old appliances,
and you order new appliances this person then decides it’s okay to start
calling people to spin a story that isn’t true and tarnishes your reputation.
This person has already bullied staff in the conference office, bullied other female
members of the congregation and has made it known that they are carrying
weapons and will be the first to shoot if they feel threatened. This person becomes
such a concern that another church member tells you never to be alone with them.
So, I pay to have the locks changed at the parsonage and add slide chains to the
doors as well.
Next, add a situation about 2 months ago, where I couldn’t
leave my house because SWAT was using the house as cover for a tragic
situation at your next-door neighbor’s. I was literally yelled at to get
down and stay down at 7:45am on a Sunday as the SWAT team staged from the front
church parking lot and then used the parsonage as cover to surround the neighbor’s
house. Yes, it was over quickly, and the situation was due to untreated health
conditions (that’s another writing for another day). And while the immediate
threat of danger was out of the congregation’s control, the lack of care
expressed towards me to see if I was okay left a major wound and scar.
Expecting me to lead worship like normal and having no one from the church even
ask if I could go home due to the investigation or if I felt okay to go home
demonstrated a lack of concern and desire for me as the minister to be healthy
and whole.
And our final ingredient for the full picture of abuse has
been the relationship with my predecessor and the congregation’s decision to care
and protect them over me. I get that my predecessor was here for 30 years. But
they choose to retire. They choose to leave this congregation. And they did so
knowing the Ministerial Code of Ethics and Conduct. They were asked to stop
interfering in the life of the church: stop doing members’ funerals, weddings,
baptisms. To stop making comments like “why are you doing Ash Wednesday?
Protestants don’t do that.” But no, my predecessor didn’t stop and also said, in
writing, that they wouldn’t and that I had no authority as the pastor since I never
had an installation service (not required). So when I turned my predecessor in
for constantly violating the Ministerial Code of Conduct and Ethics, it’s me
who gets yelled at by church members because I should “let them be the free
spirit they are” and “wouldn’t it be great for them to be here for this and
that?” Maybe in a perfect world, where all ministers are healthy human beings.
But when wrong polity has been taught for 30 years and the congregation is more
concerned about protecting a former minister than trying to be a healthy
congregation – no, it’s not great.
When my predecessor threatens to sue me and conference staff
and threatens to find out what churches I may be looking to serve and call to
tank my chances, this is abuse. When members choose to back up my predecessor
and not even ask me about situations, this is abuse. It has amazed me that
people won’t come to church and therefore don’t know me are so willing to jump
on the bandwagon and tear at me. Then I see church members who do attend church,
join in and they don’t say “maybe this isn’t Christian behavior” or “maybe this
isn’t good for the congregation.” And when members tell me that I need to let my
predecessor be a “free spirit,” this is blaming the victim.
This call has led to me being trashed on social media and
members refusing to come to church as long as I’m there. Church people don’t
realize that while this hurts me to a degree, they’re defaming their own
congregation that they claim to love and want to see survive well into the
future. Would you want to go worship in a church where people trash the
minister online? Would you want to go somewhere where it is clear that
conversations happen inside backrooms and parking lots? I would argue no.
I fully believe that all clergy need at least a therapist/spiritual
director/coach because ministry is always going to have us dealing with hard
things. We will always be juggling many people and expectations even when
things are going well. I have a therapist and spiritual director. I try to
work on myself so I can be the best I can. But when you have this much ill will
and hatred directed at you and you question your own personal safety and mental
health multiple times, it is time to call things what they are; abuse.
Do I believe that it was all intentional? No. But some of it
was very intentional. And here’s the worst part. I know of so many people who
are leaving ministry because they have similar stories and situations. Some
situations are worse, some are better. But for a church to act like this, to
chew up and spit clergy out like they’re a bad piece of meat, is not what Jesus
was wanting when he called for reform.
I believe in and love the Church. Lord knows the Church
raised me and has saved me many times. But this stuff, this last 10 and a half
months – this isn’t the Church. This isn’t why I became a minister. This isn’t
why I said yes to God over and over again. I hope that congregations will
really think before they do and speak. And that they realize that abuse comes
in many forms and that they can be the abuser.
Update: I have a new call to start in 2022 and I’m looking
forward to it. But I also know I have a lot of damage to deal with still.
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